WARP EIGHT IN THE SLOW LANE *** FINE STRUCTURE ***
The analysis of a structure may be made difficult by either simplification or by imbuing it with unwarranted complexity. When the structure is a human relationship, it is difficult to overstate the complexity. However, most discussions involving the relationship between two people is oversimplified by either 50% or 33.3%, depending on how you do the math.
That is to say, when discussing the relationship between Lady Able and Sir Baker, the discussion tends to limit itself to the two involved parties. Their fits, their misfits, their similarities, their differences and so on. Whether the analysis is done from outside the relationship or from within it, the focus is all too often this limited.
Lady Able is a person in her own right, with wants, needs and preferences that are unique to her. Sir Able is similarly endowed. When the relationship focuses on these two facts alone, there is a disturbing tendency for the parties to desire adjustments in one another, forcing one or both to metamorphose into something they are not.
There are several things wrong with this, besides the obvious tendency of such behavior to destroy the relationship. First, one must assume that Lady Able and Sir Baker were attracted to one another for some reason. The stronger the attraction, the more reasons. Why on Earth would you want to change the person you’re attracted to? Who among us is bright enough to do surgical strikes on a personality? It there’s not enough there, folks, keep looking.
Second, no person can satisfy all the wants and needs of another. Any relationship based on a belief that this is possible is doomed to the ignominious failure of disappointment and lack of fulfillment. Topologically, let alone emotionally, two reference points are much too few to produce a shape that is well-rounded.
So what’s the answer? I don’t have all of it, but I think I have one part: to be successful, a relationship must be ternary, not binary. Lady Able must be allowed to be who she is and to grow and change as an independent entity. As must Sir Baker. Any relationship that does not allow for this will swallow one or both, and those swallowed will not be seen again until after the divorce.
These two independent elements must tenderly and thoughtfully nurture an *us*, a completely new entity. This *us* can be dependent upon both of the more corporeal parties, growing to have a meaningful life of its own that defines the relationship.
The more equally the two parties contribute to their *us*, the better balanced is the result. The more energy put into the *us*, the more brightly it will glow. The more love put into the *us*, the more love it will return. The perfect trinary relationship has three equally important parts, all living independent lives.
The best assessment of the health and happiness of the relationship between any Lady Able and her Sir Baker is the degree of the joyful glow of their *us*.
Kermit []